It's a No-Go

I applied for an internship in Davao, Philippines but they didn't have any openings left for this year. The director encouraged me to re-apply in the new year for a place next summer.

Am I sad about it? Yes, I guess so. Like I wrote in my last post, I was trying not to get my hopes up. There's really not much point in being sad, anyway, since that won't do me much good. I may as well just get on with it and put my energies toward another project.

If there is anything I've learned thus far, it's that stuff happens for a reason. Good stuff, bad stuff...it all fits into the master plan. I'll look back on this in a couple years and go, "Ah! That's why I couldn't go to Davao!"

Kind of like the time when I was in college and I couldn't find an apartment to save my life. It was to the point where I was about to quit my job (you kind of need a place to live in the same city you're working at) when I was offered free room and board with an old lady who just wanted company! She and her multitude of cats were such a blessing to me....excluding the cat hair all over everything and the never-cleaned litter boxes and the cat dishes on the kitchen counter (think about it...the cats walk all over the litter and then climb up on the kitchen counter to eat. yum!). I ate out a lot that summer.

Or the time my long-time boyfriend dumped me and I cried for months and months. Oh, the angst! If that hadn't happened, I wouldn't have moved to New Brunswick and met Richard, and had 3 pretty stinkin' cute kids and been married to a guy who isn't emotionally challenged. It's nice not to have to wonder what pole the hubby is at today. :)

Anyway - all things happen for the good, right? Now, bring on the good!

Boxing it Up

*Warning - This post may make very little sense. Can't seem to write it out correctly.*

I've been reading from a blog lately. You can check it out at www.closetotheroot.blogspot.com The writer is a newly retired midwife, and her posts are extraordinary. She is frank, honest, intelligent and inspiring! Her posts have been more political as of late, but she wrote a lot about midwifery in the beginning of her blog.

Anyway, she wrote of a book she was reading called "The Last American Man" by Elizabeth Gilbert. From the book, she quotes, "...life is a circle made of up circles yet you all choose to live in boxes built for you by others, without questioning....you wake up in a box, and you drive away from that box to work in someone else's little box cubicle and then you return to a box, eat things out of boxes and watch images of life come through another box, and then you go sleep in a box; real life isn't a box...." Made me think. It scares me to take a good look at my life because I know what I will find - 4 walls, a tiny little box. There is so much out there, and I want to see it. I want to experience what is out there, outside my little box.

Every day, the same. I care for the children - healthy, intelligent children. I care for the house - warm, cozy house. I work in my office - happy, hairless clients (remember, I do electrolysis). My hubby goes to work - safe, secure job. Sunday, go to church - free, obvious church. It's a good life, but it's a limited life. In 20 years, more of the same.

Our news about the Philippines was not well received by all our loved ones. As one of them put it, "What are you thinking?? That's a 3rd world country!" and, when I explained about Newlife being a charity clinic which provides free prenatal & birthing care to the poor, "And you'll be one of those poor!" Yes, true. That's kind of the point. Leaving Canada to go to school would mean liquidating almost all that we own. It would mean leaving our family. It would mean leaving a country that has been more than good to us. It would mean giving up the jobs that have sustained us. It would mean relying entirely on God to provide through the goodwill of others. It would stretch our faith, our commitment to each other and place us smack dab out of our comfort zones.

It would also mean collapsing those box walls. Stripped of all that is easy, all the material stuff that defines us, it will give us an opportunity to really get to know ourselves. It will give us no other choice than to hand it all over to God and his will for us. Hard? Yes. Needed? What do you think?

I want to write more about why Newlife calls to me. I'll do that in another post. In the meantime, what would it take to change my life's shape from box to circle? In my wildest dreams I live in a little shack with no sustenance but a woodstove, garden and chickens. Me, God, the love of my life and my babies.

Bigger Than Me

If you've been a faithful follower of this blog for a while, then you know about our family's struggle with whether to go into the mission field or not. If you're not sure, then check out the "Struggling" and "Struggling #2" posts (sorry, not sure how to do links).

A few nights ago, I asked Rich what his biggest fear would be about moving to the Philippines so that I could go to school. His biggest worry was money. My biggest worry was being so involved with school & clinic for 2 1/2 years that I wouldn't be able to be with the kids full-time (or even part-time) like I am used to now.

My 2nd biggest worry was the afterschool issue. With the degree I earn at Newlife (Associate in Midwifery), would I be legally able to practice here? Would we come back to Eastern Canada? Would we have to move out west? To another country? Another continent? Newlife specializes in preparing midwives to serve in 3rd world countries - that's right up my alley. I've never actually been off this continent, though, so what if I'm wrong? What if Rich hates it? What if, what if, what if???

A while ago, I realized something. God hasn't asked me to plan out my life. He hasn't asked me to plan out what's going to happen in 10 years or next year or even next week. He's already got that covered, and all He asks of me is to TRUST him. He knows what He's doing, and He knows exactly what is going to happen and how my life is going to work out.

Right now, I'm confident that His answer to the "do we go to Newlife" question is no. I also know that if the question comes up again in a few months or years, the answer might be different. When and if the answer is "yes", then my job will not be to make it happen. My job will only be to let God work through me. He's big enough to make it happen, no matter how small I am.

If we go to Newlife, eventually, it will mean big changes. Perhaps it will mean a completely different country for the rest of our lives. Maybe it will mean a new province in Canada. Maybe it will simply mean 2 1/2 years serving the families in Davao and then back to life as we know it. I don't know, and that's okay. I'll let God handle it.

Here's my favourite verse. I'm really glad that when I don't know what's going on, then at least God does!

I know the plans that I have for you, declares the LORD. They are plans for peace and not disaster, plans to give you a future filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11 (God's Word Translation, C 1995)

What About the Kids?

I've been following the Davis' family blog for a while. They're considering Newlife school, too, and I'm always surprised (and happy) to read their entries because they seem to go through what we go through. Here's a link to something that pretty much explains how we feel about the question: What about the kids?
http://peterdavis2.blogspot.com/2008/11/what-about-kids.html

Quit Yer Whining!

I've decided to quit belly-aching about school. Still think it's going to happen, and I still want it to happen, but I'm going to stop letting it get me down. If this isn't God's timing then I certainly am not going to mess with that. He is, after all, better equiped at running lives, mine included.

My mom and I were chatting about it all, and she told me point blank that I wasn't ready. I appreciated that - I know I'm not, and it was cool to have someone who loves me unconditionnally tell me that honestly, in love. I asked her why, and she told me that I needed to gain more experience in the birth area of life, grow my children more (Graedon is only 10 months), and that with the economics crisis, raising support would be extremely difficult. True, very true. So, I'm getting ready. Little by little, I am inching my way to a place and time in my life where midwifery school will be a realistic option for me and my family.

In the meantime, we'll see what happens.

Job Shadow

Yesterday was a big day! I had the opportunity to job shadow with a certified-nurse midwife (CNM) in Presque-Isle, ME. She was incredibly gracious and generous with her time. After all, she certainly didn't have to accept to have me tag along with her all day, but with her clients' permission, I was able to sit and observe prenatals, consultations and general GYN appointments.


It was a pretty normal day, no unusual cases, nothing tragic or out of the ordinary. I don't think I learned anything new as far as care, but we did spend some time talking legality and schooling. Up until now, a midwife hasn't had to have a Masters degree to practice in Maine. In 2010, new midwives will have to have the extra schooling. Most states are starting to adopt that rule, and I'm not sure about Canada. A CPM doesn't have a Masters, and not necessarily a Bachelors, either. It all comes down to where I would want to practice.

If we go to Newlife, then I'd be able to get my associate's degree, possibly a bachelors. That would make me a CPM, provided I pass the NARM exam. This would limit me as to where I can practice. The laws are up in the air in NB right now, so I have no idea what I would need to practice here. In Alberta, for example, you must be a Certified Nurse Midwife to practice - no direct entry midwives are recognized.

So - I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand, there is the CPM way - more holistic, shorter, intense, practical, my style but limited in the areas I can work. On the other hand, there is the CNM way - very medical, long & drawn out, very expensive, but better chance at working almost anywhere.

Honestly, I don't know if I can take 7 years of University. That's a long, long time to be sitting behind a desk. The schools in Canada use mostly case studies and fake patients. Nothing like palpating a plastic baby in a rubber belly. And, for the expense of it, when I'm finally done with my decade long study, who's to say I won't be totally burned out but obliged to work anyway to pay off the mountain of student debt?

Grrr...I'm too tired to think about this right now. :P

End of the Rope

I grew up as a PK - Preacher's Kid. My dad, who is now on hiatus, is an awesome pastor. People understand him, they "get" his sermons, and in his quiet, non-assuming way, he "gets" them, too. However, I think that deep down, my dad is first and foremost a farmer. He's farmed all his life, and he's good at that, too!

When we were growing up, we'd have various animals in the barn, outside, in the house - it was wild sometimes. We had a goat for a while which we kept tied to a post on our lawn. It would munch on the grass, shearing a golf green of sorts. It had a nasty temper though, and it was easily provoked. We'd stand just out of reach of it's rope and egg it on until it would drop it's head and run at full tilt to butt us across the yard. Silly goat - it never realized that we were standing only a couple feet beyond it's reach. It would run at full speed, until the rope snapped taut and the poor beast's body would slingshot toward the outside of the circle while the rope kept it's head and neck inside the circle. It was great fun, until one day, the post got loose without our realizing it....good times.

Anyway, the reason I'm posting this story is because it reminded me of our Philippines journey. When Newlife first became an option for us, I felt like God just threw me a whole pile of rope and I just ran with it. Then - snap - I reached the end of the leash, and God reeled me back in to the post. Slowly, slowly, I feel like He's been feeding me the rope an inch at a time, sometimes taking back a couple, but doing it slow and steady rather than at breakneck speed like last time. It's hard to know if I'll end up at the edge of the circle, or maybe just in the middle, but I am going somewhere. Somewhere.

Here are a few examples -
*I've been reading more birth stuff, with a renewed zest.
**I struck up a conversation with one of the moms at Preschool and turns out she's Filipina! She's given me advice, caution and has offered to get in touch with some missionaries she knows in the Philippines.
***Rich and I have decided that if someone offers to buy the house, it will be our sign. Obviously, not our only sign, and not the make or break of it all, but it would be like a smack on the back of the head to get our butts in gear. No one has offered, but, again, out of the blue, we met up with a couple who mentionned that they had put an offer on it before us...and, also out of the blue, a client of mine has expressed interest in pursueing a career in electrolysis - perhaps buying me out. Not that I don't like my job, but I've been hemming and hawing on whether to continue with it.

It's a hmmmm kind of day.

NOTE - For those who read the last post - I am feeling MUCH better! I'm all healed up, although still tired and a bit dazed. God is good - and He does work in mysterious ways. I think the Mastitis was just a way for Him to tell me to shape up and start taking better care of myself. More sleep, more water, better food. He's only given me one body - I better get the best use out of it as I can.

A Crazy Week!

I shouldn't be at the computer right now, but I need the 15 minutes of decompression...

This is the mother of all weeks. It seems like every minute is accounted for, and I am dreading most of my activities. The funny thing is, I love all the things I must do this week, but because of the stress of such a full-tilt, barge ahead week, I'm not feeling the Love! When I am rushed like this, I feel my shoulders hunch, my back get tight, my jaw clench...you get the picture.

As crowded as it is - here is a list of things I'm excited for that are happening this week:

1) I ordered Birth Reborn by Michel Odent on Ebay. This was the last of the required reading list for Newlife. It should be in on Thursday. I've heard awesome reviews for this book.

2) Friday night Dr. Jack Newman is coming to town!!! He's what I would call a Breastfeeding Guru, and he's coming to my little town! Yay! It should be extremely informative, and I'm so happy!

3) I'm waiting to hear whether or not I am getting a client for January. She's a VBAC, so it's very near and dear to my heart. Fingers crossed!

4) Saturday night we're going to an appetizer party at our friends' home. They are such warm, hospitable people. It's always a good time!

5) The girls are sleeping over at their cousins' Saturday. That means sleeping in for us on Sunday! I can't remember the last time that happened...

I know, this isn't huge news. It's probably not all that interesting to anybody other than me, but that's what life is, right? Just a bunch of little things that make us happy.