Thursday, December 23, 2010

How Mothers Shower

I laughed so hard at this true! 

What's missing is a part that describes How Mothers Shower.  Here's how that would look:

Around 11:45 am, realize husband is about to come home for lunch.  Glance in the mirror.  You look like crap.  Plop kids in front of TV to ensure relative safety while you hose down.  Lock all the doors.  Put up all the baby gates.  Order the kids not to open the door, answer the phone or touch anything.  Make them repeat it. 

Grab clothes from the dryer.  Slip on a puddle on the bathroom floor.  Turn on the water.  Shut off the water.  Go back to the kitchen and turn off the dishwasher, since you want an even water temperature during your shower.  Try again. 

Put your jammies (the flannel ones) into the separated hamper.  Sigh.  Take all the clothes out and put them back into the hamper in the right place.  Make a mental note to show the kids and the husband how neat and tidy the bathroom is when the hamper is used correctly. 

Step into the tub.  Grab the shower rod when you slip on an entire shampoo bottle's contents all over the bottom of the tub.  Rip down the shower curtain while trying to save yourself.  Tread carefully.

Grab a cloth.  Look for the soap.  Try and salvage all the little bitty pieces on the edge of the tub leftover from the kids' game of "Make Barbie Soap".  Give up.  Rub the bottom of the tub with the cloth and use the leftover shampoo instead.

Stick your head out the curtain (what's left of it).  Yell, "WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING?"  Don't believe the, "Nothing!!"  Yell back, "I CAN SEE YOU!!"  Smirk satisfactorily when you hear them scamper back to the couch.

Wet hair.  Grab shampoo.  Lather, rinse, don't repeat.

Open the peanut butter jar that the 4 year old just stuck through the curtain.

Look for your razor.  Find it next to a bald Barbie doll.  Skip it.  Make a mental note to put razors on the shopping list.

Yell, "WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING?" again, for good measure.  Step back and trip over the naked 2 year old who decided a shower sounded like fun.  Sigh.  Hose him off. 

Shut off the water. Puzzle at the silence from the other room.

Get out of the tub.  Grab the only towel and dry off the kid.  Do your best to dry yourself with the wet towel. 

Write "razors" on the steamy mirror.  Write "Tylenol" as an afterthought.  Write "liquor" as a joke.  Well, not a funny joke.

Start dressing the kid, back into his old clothes.  Shiver, since you're still wet.  Pull on your own clothes.  Realize you took 2 shirts out of the dryer, instead of 1 shirt and pants.  Make a run for the dryer, again.  On the way to the laundry room, trip over the toys, crayons and books that weren't all over the floor when the shower began.  Evidently the kids didn't stay on the couch like they were supposed to.

Pick up the baby for some much needed cuddles.  Get spit up on.  Decide paper towel will work just as well as a shower to clean up with.  Answer the door bell to let the husband in, since you forgot to unlock the doors and dismantle the baby gates. 

Decide to "go green" and save water with monthly showers (worked in the middle ages!).  It's the only way to save the earth, AND your sanity.


Abigail said... I just laughed so hard I just about peed myself!

Anonymous said...

I'm wondering if this is a mother of multiples because I have never experienced this... or is this as kids get older.. "of showers to come" ?


Emilie said...

A bit of both, I think! It got harder as they got older because there are so many more things they can get into than when they were babies. When it was just one, I could corral her in the crib or wait for naptime, but now there's always at least one or two awake at a time.