Struggling

Somedays, I really struggle. I mean, really, really struggle. I'm not going to go into all the ins and outs of it all, but I'm being seriously tested right now!

Since I've been a kid, I've seen missions in my future. Since I was a teen, I've known I've wanted to do something medical, in the birth area of life. Since being pregnant with my first child and hiring a midwife to follow me through that pregnancy, I've narrowed it down to midwifery. I checked out various schools in Canada (BC, MB, PQ, ON), but none really clicked.

Then, two years ago, I found it. Newlife International School of Midwifery (www.midwifeschool.org). It's a midwifery school/clinic in the Philippines that gives free prenatal care & births for women who cannot afford healthcare. It's non-profit, and all tuition goes toward running the clinic. Best of all, it's a Christian school. It sounded perfect for me - education for the mind, spirit and character, missions, midwifery all wrapped into one. For over a year, I prepared myself - I lived and breathed midwifery & the Philippines. I started reading through the required reading list, I followed some of the students' blogs, I e-mailed with the director, students, missionaries, scrimped and saved. I became a birth doula, had another baby...

Finally, this summer, we felt that it was time to make a decision. On the advice of a missionary I met at VBS, we asked 10 people to pray for us to finally figure out if it was time to apply. And the answer was "no", loud and clear.

WHAT??!! We had asked for clarity, and we got it - debt started piling up in the form of leaky rooves & broken-down cars, I became so busy with the kids, their schooling, work & life in general, Richard started enjoying his job, certain key people pulled out their support, extended family started getting sick...it was a no go, but I didn't understand.

Why would God allow me to find the school in the first place, give me such a huge desire to go, get me all hyped up, then take it all away? I am left confused, angry, frustrated, disappointed, resentful and very alone in my struggle. Is this a test from God to see how faithful I am? Is this a test to see how much I really want this? Is this a test to see if I will give up what has been most important to me for years in order to honour and obey my husband? Is this a joke?? Or, as some people have commented, is this an attack from "The Enemy" (note here: I hate when people call Satan "The Enemy". I mean, obviously, he is, but "The Enemy" sounds so silly, like we're in a role playing game, and wearing capes and swinging swords. Why not "The Terminator" or "Space Captain"?) to wear me down and steer me away from what might be God's plan for me. How do I know the difference? WHAT IS GOING ON??!!

Wishy washy, some weeks the desire is back and it looks like it could be possible. Then, we're back to square one with a reminder of the "no" answer. I am tired.

So, for those who are following this blog - please pray for me. Please try to understand that I need encouragement, and on the days that I am not my usual cheery self, I might need to talk. I need to be reminded that it will work out. Please don't take it personally if I vent. Please pray for peace and healing. Thank you!